Analysis
by Fanatic Drone N
Summary: Zim, Tak, Dib, Gaz, and GIR are abducted for a psychological evaluation of their species.
1. Prolouge

**Analysis**

**By Drone N**

* * *

The Earth has always been considered important. To it's natives, to a few Irkens, temporarily to the Planet Jackers, and now to the large spaceship hovering above the day/night line. It's occupants had been surprised at the humans: Nearly seven billion _before_ spaceflight and off-planet colonies. The crew was also surprised at three different beings, only detectable because of their close proximity, and use of technology.

Not all of the crew was astonished at this. Scly Evcoth had seen far stranger coincidences, and this wasn't one of them. The three non-human blips were on the planet because of choice, not evolution. Chances were, their intentions wouldn't be beneficial to humanity.

But, appearances weren't everything. The Introi, for instance: Twelve foot long serpentine bodies with a scorpion-esque bone spike at the end of the tail, a dinosaur like head, legs, and arms, a second pair of arms, each tipped with an enormous, curving, scythe-like bone blade. To top it all off, a pair of wings that looked like they belonged on a pterosaur, but beat like an insects, set just behind the shoulders. However, they were a carefree, humorous, not at all bloodthirsty species that nowadays only used their natural weapons under extreme stress.

That was why they were evaluating each new species they came across for potential threats, such as a psychological desire to exterminate all other life forms in the universe.

"Scly?" came a voice behind him. It's owner was Reku Lyti, an Aurus, and Scly's best friend in the worlds.

Scly was completely focused on the odd reflection that a patch of clouds made on one of his metallic green scales. "Looks just like a face…"

Reku sighed. _Typical Introi_, he thought to himself. "Scly?" He repeated, a little louder.

"Hmm?" Scly grunted, craning his long neck around to look at the large green bird behind him.

"Should we collect the examples?"

Scly thought for a moment. "Yes…but, collect two of each species this time."

Reku shrugged "You're the expert." He started to walk off but Scly stopped him.

"And… I want to do the evaluations this time."

Reku raised an eyebrow. "Not Aaila?"

Scly shook his head. "I'm bored. Having the fate of someone's species put in my hands will spice up the day."

Reku laughed. "That's Scly."

Scly joined in his laughter, and followed him out of the room swapping jokes. As he walked down the hall towards the evaluation rooms he quivered with anticipation. It was always interesting to meet a new species, and he had an odd feeling about it today.

He broke out in a grin when he felt the ship enter a geo-stationary orbit above the planet.

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What do you think? Please review!


	2. Abduction

A rumble woke Skoodge.

"Those two are at it again." he said, slowly pulling himself out of his 'bed', through the grate and into Zim's basement.

He stepped into the elevator in his typical early-morning mood. He lethargically checked his watch.

6:39.

He groaned, and checked his other watch.

2:34, Blorch time. The scale his body was still used to.

He groaned again. Another rumble, much closer, shook the elevator. Skoodge hit his head, and a massive headache spread from the impact.

He stepped of the elevator feeling thoroughly depressed, and wondering why he had come up. It took him about a minute of watching what was happening in the living room to remind him.

He sucked in a deep breath of air, and, with more than a little sense of déjà vu, bellowed at the top of his lungs "SHUT UP!"

Everyone in the living room froze at seeing the normally upbeat Skoodge panting with fury. Tak had been yanking on Zim's antenna, Zim had been tearing off Dib's hair-scythe, Dib had been reaching into Tak's pocket, and Gaz had been pulling on Dib's legs. GIR was sitting on Zim's head, and had been trying to pull Minimoose out of a sombrero. Burn marks decorated the room, and a hole in the roof let in pre-morning light.

"Do you know what time it is?" Skoodge demanded, pure malice in his voice.

Everyone shook their heads sheepishly. Even Gaz was staring wide-eyed at Skoodge.

"2:36!!!" he roared, causing everyone to jump.

"But the sun's coming up…" Dib protested.

"WELL IT'S 2:36 ON BLORCH! STAY STILL UNTIL I'VE HAD MY COFFEE!" he screamed, stamping his foot to make himself clear.

Everyone complied for the seven minutes it took for Skoodge to make his coffee, drink it, and calm down enough to talk to them.

"Now," he said, still fuming, "Tell me what happened."

Gaz spoke up first, "I'm trying to bring Dib home for our biannual family breakfast."

Dib continued, "I'm trying to get the keys to my ship back."

"It's _my_ ship, and I'm trying to kill Zim for key-scratching 'TAK SUKS!' into _my_ ship's hull." Tak stated, glaring at Dib, then Zim, then Dib again.

"All these people broke into my house." Zim said.

"Okay. And the blast marks?" Skoodge inquired.

"I'm putting on a magical puppet show!" Screeched you-know-who.

Skoodge thought about this and then calmly walked back to the elevator, and rode down.

Everyone stayed frozen in their spots.

"I think these are atypical." Commented a voice from nowhere.

"Who said that?" Tak demanded, letting go of Zim's antenna and letting him fall to the floor.

"You idiot!" Came another voice, "I said private channel! Private channel!"

"Computer! There are intruders in the base!" Screamed Zim, PAK legs extending.

"Ya, I know. They've been here for the last half hour."

"I mean the invisible ones!"

"Well they've noticed us so we have to take them." The first voice came again.

A bright red flash of light filled the room, and it's inhabitants screamed.

A few seconds later Skoodge stuck his head out of the elevator to tell them to shut up, but they were gone.

He looked around for a few seconds, then grinned.

* * *

Muahahah! My first cliffhanger! Review. NOW. The review button tempts you…


	3. Dib

Well, here it is. Sorry it took so long.

* * *

Dib opened his eyes, and looked around.

He was in a perfectly white, spherical room, seated on a oddly comfortable crescent shaped metal chair.

He tried to collect his thoughts. He had been in Zim's living room, Skoodge had yelled at him, he had heard voices, two enormous, black, beetley looking things had appeared, and now he was sitting in this white room.

A noise roused Dib from his thoughts.

A voice, seemingly inside the wall opposite him, said "_Ziri y'vizigs'zyov._"

A panel slid open in the wall, and an alien stepped out of it.

Dib trembled in his seat: Some enormous reptile with claws and fangs was advancing towards him, some awful look on it's face.

In reality, Scly was smiling at him friendly.

"_Twiwip_!" He said, smiling wider, and exposing curving serrated teeth.

Dib trembled furiously. He would have wet his trench coat, if he hadn't gone to the bathroom before chasing Tak.

Scly arched an eyebrow and leaned in closer, and Dib backed up as closes as he could to his chair.

Scly realized what was going on, and walked back through the entry.

Dib sighed, thinking the alien had spared him.

His relief vanished when the alien came back with a syringe full of some black fluid, and was so stunned by this that he didn't struggle when it was stuck in his arm stuck it in his arm.

He looked down at it, briefly wondered why it didn't hurt, and concluded that he was dreaming and that it obviously wouldn't hurt. He considered pinching himself, but decided not to, as he couldn't move his arms.

A weird tingling sensation spread up his arm, and into his head, defying his blood flow. Suddenly his head started stinging like crazy, and he realized he wasn't asleep.

He began to struggle, fighting the alien, "Aaack! Get off me! HELP!"

"_H'gilik h'gifittov'rimit_!" Scly snapped back, trying to pin Dib down.

Abruptly, the pain in Dib's head vanished, and Scly froze, dropping him.

Dib leapt to his feet, and flattened himself against the wall, breathing heavily.

Scly remained frozen there for a second, before snapping back to reality, and looking at Dib again.

"P-Please don't eat me." Dib pleaded.

A look of severe annoyance crossed Scly's face, "Eat you! Why on Introa would I want to eat you!? Every species we come across thinks we're going to eat them! It's ridiculous! Like… the Hydustar! Enormous, blue things with spikes, and they begged us not to kill them! I was worried_ they_ were going to eat _me_!"

Dib really had nothing to say to this.

Scly, seeing Dib was too confused to ask questions, cleared his throat, and said, "Well, let me bring you up to speed. You are our example of the human race, currently aboard the N.A.S. _Victory_ for evaluation. Everything you say or do will be compiled as typical human behavior, unless our field agents were right, and you are atypical. So far, I've determined that humans are afraid of large reptilian carnivores. Would you agree with this statement?"

"Uh, y-yes." Dib stuttered, "But, how can you speak English? And why didn't you before?"

"Well, that tube full of stuff actually contained several million microscopic robots that attached themselves to your memory centers, ran a copy of your language, sent it to my microscopic robots, and are now floating through your bloodstream." Scly said, as if all this was perfectly normal. "Incidentally," he continued, "did you know there are three spots on your brain that have been magnetized clean?"

Dib nodded.

"Who did that?"

"Zim… and Gaz the other two times."

"Is Gaz the green one with the red eyes?"

"No, that's Zim. Gaz is my sister:"

"Your sister passed high levels of electric current through your brain?" Said Scly, arching an eyebrow.

"Yeah. The first time she was getting revenge on me testing my cure for Alzheimer's disease on her. The second time she was just angry." Dib said plaintively.

"What is Alzheimer's disease?" Scly continued, a little nervous about her interview.

"A mental disorder that causes memory loss."

"You'd think she'd be happy about you trying to cure her."

"Well, yeah… and it did work… 'course I don't remember it now… but I had to give it to her to test it…" Dib said, trailing off.

"You gave your sister a mental disease?"

"That was back when I had stopped fighting Zim, and I was working with my dad for the sake of '_real_' science." Dib responded indignantly, putting enormous amounts of regret and self loathing into the word '_real_'.

"…And you fight Zim?"

"Yes. He wants to do something evil to the earth."

"Something evil?"

"It varies from day to day. See, he's an invading life form. Usually he wants to enslave mankind, but it varies. He's tried to exterminate humanity, destroy the earth and enslave humanity, destroy the earth _and _humanity, suck humanity's brains out, drown humanity with an enormous fishbowl, poison our meat supply,

destroy the surface of the earth with a nuclear hammering machine, destroy the earth in a nuclear explosion, destroy the earth by having it hugged--- or was that his fault? I can't remember exactly."

"Uh-huh. And don't your fellow humans try to stop him?"

"I'm the only one who notices him. Well, Gaz knows, but she doesn't care."

"He sounds fairly incompetent."

"He is. GIR doesn't help either. If I didn't fight him, he _might _be able to do it, which is why I give him the effort."

"And what about the other green one?"

"Irkens, they're called Irkens. Tak is pretty smart. I couldn't do a thing against her without Zim screwing up her plans."

"But if they're both Irkens, why don't they work together to conquer the earth?"

"Zim ruined her life or something. I don't remember the details… he was her janitor, or something like that. I only snuck a quick look at her flashback."

"Her fl--- never mind. If Zim is so stupid, why doesn't everyone notice him."

"Utter lack of common sense. They just can't cope with anything outside of their world view, unless it's blatantly obvious. I have hope for my species, but sometimes they just make me wonder. We've done some of the smartest and dumbest things imaginable. Like ignoring me! Zim's standing there without a nose and everyone calls me crazy! Oh but they'll see. One day, I'll be famous, and then _they'll _be the ones who get teased, and get wedgies and _I'll _be there, rich and famous, and I'll rub it in their faces!" Dib screamed, jumping on his chair and punching at the ceiling. Realizing that he had an audience, he blushed, and sank back into his chair.

"Is the desire for revenge common amongst humans?" Scly asked, after a moment.

"…Yes."

Scly paused for a moment, "Why did you notice Zim?"

"Well I… don't know. I think it comes from my dad. We want to _know_, to _discover_. To see and do what nobody else has ever done. I probably would have been an explorer if I had been born earlier."

"Poetic."

"Thank you."

"Well, their's just one more thing. The environment we're sitting in is completely moldable to your thought's. I want you to picture an idyllic environment for yourself."

Dib closed his eyes, and did what he was told.

The stark white room transformed into a gently sloping hill with a small pond at it's foot, surrounded by similar hills and ponds. Small clusters of trees stood up in the landscape, the air was a comfortable seventy degrees, and poofy white clouds floated up in a blue sky.

Dib sighed and leaned against a tree.

"Nice meeting you."

"Likewise."

Scly steeped out of existence, leaving Dib to relax.

* * *

Whoo, my first author's notes! Anyways, I want a minimum of three reviews before the next chapter. So Review. DO IT. The review button tempts you...


	4. Gaz

Inside one of the _Victory_'s space distortion/evaluation chambers, a tall spire rose hundreds of feet. Had an outside existed for it, it probably would have been quite imposing. It's walls were jet black, only lit by the sparsely spread purple candles, which cast eerie shadows across the grotesque sculptures carved into it's sides. Morbidly obese piggies, skulls, and Dibs clawing at their heads with rabid weasels slithering out their ears glared at the room's occupants.

Gaz was playing a Gameslave3, trying to ignore the lizard sitting across from her. The only reason she wasn't clubbing him was that he had told her how to make her 'idyllic' environment.

Said lizard was regretting this.

"Does this really make you… Comfortable?" He asked.

"I'm in my element." Gaz growled.

"Alright then… You have been selected as an example for the human race in a serie-" Scly began.

"No."

"You don't even know what I'm talking about!"

"I don't care."

"You do realize that your actions will effect the future of the human race, don't you?"

"I don't care about the-Aaagh!" Gaz screamed leaping out of the chair, and rubbing a spot on her back as if stung.

"Sorry that hurt. I didn't think you deserved any anesthetic." Scly said with a smug on his face.

"What was that?" Gaz spat, a cold edge in her voice.

"A nano robot infusion, which is now targeting every nerve cell in your body, ready to send some pain signals to your brain. I am not above torture if it means the safety of my people and yours."

Gaz opened one eye, and stared at Scly. She found what she was looking for, and grinned, "You're bluffing."

"Nevertheless," Scly sighed, "I can simply pull what I need from your memory, and that _will _hurt."

Gaz growled and sat back in her chair, wary of the syringe. "What do you want to know?"

"Well, ah… Do you think you are a typical human?"

"Biologically."

"But mentally?"

"No."

"How so?"

"You might say I have a… darker outlook on life."

"I see. And what about your brother?"

"He's an idiot."

"He seems fairly intelligent."

"Well he _acts _stupid."

"How?"

Gaz growled again, "Could you stop sticking your nose into my life?"

"I'm sorry, it's part of the evaluation."

Gaz growled a third time, "He keeps involving me in all his paranormal stuff. I really don't care if the neighbor's dog got sucked dry by a chupa-whatsit. And Zim! Day in and day out, it's always Zim! 'He's an alien Gaz!'," she mocked, " 'He's gonna destroy the earth!' 'To defeat my enemy, I must think like my enemy, then become my enemy, then move in with my enemy, then wear my enemy's clothes-' Yadda, yadda, yadda! I wish he would just leave me alone!"

"Don't you care that Zim wants to obliterate your species?"

"He's bad at it. Very bad."

"So I've heard… Still, though what about ethics? There isn't any reason for you to help Dib? What about religion?"

Gaz growled yet again, and started playing her Gameslave, "Religion isn't a factor."

"Isn't there any religion in your life?"

Gaz sat there quietly for a while, "Mom used to take us to church."

"Used to?"

Gaz stiffened.

Scly realized what this meant, and amidst a wave of guilt, apologized, "I'm sorry. I didn't know."

Gaz started to tremble, "You want to know the worst thing. Worse than dad nearly forgetting about us, worse than Dib bugging me, worse than anything? They're doing the exact same things. Running around for the sake of science, doing the same kinds of crazy experiments that caused the accident in the first place."

Gaz began to shake. "You know," She said savagely, holding back tears, "my dad tried to get his old perpetual energy generator up and running again? That thing caused the accident in the first place."

She lowered her head, in obvious grief.

Scly hesitated a while, then quietly said, "I think I know enough. I'll leave you alone."

He silently stood up, and disappeared.

* * *

That was pretty dark... I always wondered about Dib and Gaz's mother, and I thought it was a little weird that such a dangerous machine was named after a woman. Please review.


	5. Zim

Scly sighed as he walked out the door. That had been… creepy.

"Reku?" He asked, turning towards a wall panel.

Instantly, the built-in screen activated and displayed the other alien's face.

"Yeah Scly?"

"What truth serum did we put the micro robots in?"

"Ahh… CH6, mixed in water. Why, isn't it working?"

"A little too well. Take a look at the recordings."

The screen went blank for a few minutes, before Reku called back, "Wow… pretty emotional."

"I know. Just use plain water for the next two."

---------

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

Zim was rolling on the floor, clawing at a moving patch of skin that was traveling through his body, being pumped by his squeedlyspooch.

"What was in that shot!?" Zim demanded, smoke rising out of his mouth.

"Water! Just water!" Scly answered, deciding that mentioning the micro robots might not be so comforting.

"You idiot! Water burns! IT BURNS USSS!"

"Oh… sorry. You've got to understand, burning on contact with water is weird."

"Says the ten foot long snake thing that abducted me!" Zim snapped back, going through spasms.

"Touché."

"Now," Zim said, trying to get back into his chair with dignity, "Tell me where I am."

"You're on board the N.A.S.-"

"Did you not here me? Tell me where I am!"

"I said, you're on-"

"WHERE AM I!?"

"You're-"

"WHERE AM I!?"

"You're-"

"WHERE AM I!?"

"YOU'RE ON THE N.A.S. _VICTORY_, IN A LOW, GEOSTATIONARY ORBIT ABOVE THE HUMAN CITY OF MINNEAPOLIS, MORE SPECIFICALLY, ABOVE THE FREAKISH GREEN WE FOUND YOU IN!" Scly screamed, leaning out of his chair into Zim's face.

Zim was quiet. Seeing all those sharp teeth belonging to a carnivore that was angry with you does that.

"Do you have _four_ tongues?"

Scly sighed, "No, I have one that separates into four at the end."

"Creepy."

"Creepy is a relative term."

All was quiet for a few minutes, before Zim spoke up, "Please don't eat me."

Scly's eye twitched. "You have been selected as an example of the Irken race for a psychological evaluation of your species." Scly said, trying to ignore Zim's plea.

Zim chuckled to himself, "Well, I'll admit I am a pretty awesome specimen. Not all Irkens are as incredible as me. I AM ZIM!"

"I'm gonna be frank with you, Zim. You seem fairly arrogant."

"Not arrogant, proud. There's a difference you know."

'No, there's-"

"Oh I'm sorry. I should have realized that an inferior species couldn't comprehend me. For I am Zim! The most intelligent, handsome, logical, incredible, dangerous, evil-"

"Short." Scly cut in, eager to make the Irken stop.

Zim glared at him, anger in his blood red eyes, "How dare you?!"

"Like this: You are short." Scly retorted.

Zim screamed something Scly couldn't make out, and leaped onto his head.

"Hey, what the- Get off!"

"You dare insult an invader!?! The armada will destroy you!" Zim yelled, pulling at Scly's tongue.

"What?" Scly asked, holding Zim at arm's-length.

Zim tried to swipe at Scly's eyes, but upon finding his arms to short, grudgingly responded, "You dare to steal an Irken invader from his planet, inject him with toxins, refuse to give him his location, have the _nerve_ to call him short, and then fail to comprehend why the Tallests wouldn't have you killed? Have you the brain worms? Probably picked it up from the unsanitized bus slave…"

"The… Tallest?"

"Yes, my leaders are the tallest members of the Irken race. Does the Irken ruling system not amaze you?"

"Not really."

A look of rage exceeding all that had previously crossed Zim's face appeared, "YOU DARE TO UNDERMINE THE AUTHORITY OF THE TALLEST?!" He screamed, before leaping at Scly's head, this time clawing at his eyes.

"Okay, enough!" Scly said setting Zim down, "Why do the Tallest have authority?"

Zim sighed as if this was the most obvious thing in the universe. "They are tall."

Scly sighed, "Yes, but why does that make them better than you?"

Zim growled at this blow to his pride, "Because they are taller than me. And just you wait, I'm gonna start growing any day."

"You have a long way to go."

Zim roared, firing a laser out of one of his PAK legs.

Scly narrowly dodged the bolt, and hid behind his chair, "Computer! Find and neutralize energy weapon in interview room!"

A blue light shot from the ceiling into Zim's PAK, shutting it down.

Zim collapsed to the ground moaning, "Ohh… My… My life clock? NOOO!!"

Scly peered over the back of his chair, to see Zim bent over his PAK, furiously pressing the restart button, "No, no, no, no, no! Work, please!"

"Ahh, Zim, are you alright?"

Zim looked up, crying, "Please! Please fix my PAK! I need it! Zim doesn't want to die! ZIM DOESN'T WANT TO DIE!!!" He whined.

"Um… computer, restart the object."

Another blue light hit the PAK, and the red circles on it lit up.

Zim gave out a cry of joy and clamped it on. He sat there contentedly for a moment before remembering Scly.

"You!" He said, standing up, his anger returned, "You did this!"

"Oh boy."

Scly quickly jumped through the door panel, closing it just in time to lock Zim in.

"YOU TRIED TO KILL ME!"

Scly walked back into the hallway.

"Only two more…"

* * *

What do you think of my choice of Minneapolis? I chose it because of its location in The Wettning, its climate, and the architectural style. I'd say 'quality of education' but that's mean, even for a resident ;)


	6. Tak

Tak sighed.

According to her PAK, it had been two hours, thirty-eight minutes and 14.333333333334 seconds since that red flash, and she had spent all of it sitting in this chair.

Well, not all of it. She'd tried to blast her way out of the room, and ended up hiding behind her chair while the bolt bounced off the walls.

She glanced up at the curl of smoke coming from the pile of misshapen metal on the ground. At least _her_ chair hadn't taken that blast.

Another sigh.

And then… a noise.

Tak's antenna pricked up. A thumping, coming from outside the room. And then voices, shouting.

Far off she heard a voice she'd come to know and hate screaming bloody murder: "You tried to kill me!"

Tak leapt out of the chair, her training coming back to her. Something was killing Irkens on the ship, and it had her trapped. Her PAK assessed the situation, _Status: In enemy territory, defenseless, life threatening situation imminent, carrying sensitive Irken information. Objective: Escape._

Tak ran over to the destroyed chair, and sliced it off the ground with her PAK lasers. She pulled off the remaining metal stump, and found a black hole in the floor. She twisted one of her PAK legs in and fired off a shot. It melted through a few feet away. Only one side was laser proof.

She re-angled her PAK leg and twisted around while firing a beam, cutting a hole for herself. She quickly jumped in a maze of tubing and wiring, and began to pull herself out.

Three arm pulls later she heard a clicking noise above her. Claws on metal. She froze, unwilling to be captured so soon.

Above her Scly froze in the hallway. Something was wrong. He sniffed (the natural thing for a carnivore to do), and caught a whiff of something familiar. He sniffed again. A mixture of reactor fumes and synthetics, characteristic of Irkens, combined with the universal smell signal for fear. There was no wind on the ship, so he couldn't be sure where, but there was an Irken a few feet from him.

A transparent inner eyelid slid across his eye. This, combined with a few chemicals in his retina, switched his vision into the ultraviolet spectrum. The world around him shifted in transparency, color and light source: The brightest light in this spectrum were the bright purple gamma rays emanating from the engines, the lights above him lost a intensity, and many objects that ultraviolet light passes through disappeared.

Scly walked over to the wall, and tapped some buttons built into the surface. The lights began to emit soft, harmless levels of X-Rays into the hall. Scly looked around, seeing that the plastic composite that the walls and floor were made out of were now transparent.

He noticed a soft stream of light emitting from a hole in the otherwise opaque interview room he was about to enter. He followed a pathway of bent wires to a group of pipes under his feet, including a small, dome-shaped piece of metal that sent tendrils out into an Irken-shaped gap in the wires.

"I know you're there, Irken."

The gap in the wires merely stiffened.

"I'm not bluffing."

No response.

"Fine then. Computer, send reactor plasma through the tubes surrounding the Irken." That _was_ a bluff (Fission-to-Fusion reactors don't make plasma), but it had it's intended effect, and the Irken crawled back towards her hole.

Scly nonchalantly walked back through the door and caught sight of Tak struggling with getting the cover back over the hole.

"You know, I think they noticed it was you."

Tak froze, slowly put the cover down, and sat back in her seat.

Scly glanced at the pile of scrap metal lying on the floor.

"I don't think that's how my chair is supposed to look."

Silence.

Scly sighed, "Irken, I've had a rough day. Between being scared by that Gaz girl, to meeting Zim, to finding you escaping from one of our interview rooms before we've even met, I'm developing quite a headache."

"Well, between teleportation sickness, almost killing myself because of one of those laser-reflecting wall tiles, and getting irradiated by Irk knows what down there, I think we're even." Tak snapped.

"…You have been regrettably selected as an example of the Irken race in a series of psychological evaluations. You are currently aboard the N.A.S. _Victory_, more specifically, in a now unusable space-time distortion center/interview room, with a seriously annoyed large synapsid predator. Do you have any thoughts on this?"

"Is said synapsid going to eat me?"

More silence.

"Do you know a Irken named Zim?" Scly continued, mentally deciding that he needed to take a vacation.

"Yes. I've been chasing the little scum bag for five of our years."

"And how many earth years is that?"

"Fifty."

"I take it you're a long-lived race."

"Compared to the humans."

"And why do you think this is?"

"Our PAKs, probably."

"And what is a PAK?"

"Why should I tell you?"

"Because if you don't, I'm going to rip that life-support thingy off your back.'

Tak leapt up on her chair, clutching her PAK to her back, before demanding in slightly fearful tones, "How did you find out what our PAKs do!?"

"So the life support thingy _is_ a PAK! I thought PAKs were some sort of medical equipment you use on your homeworld or something."

Tak slapped her forehead, and sank back into her seat, groaning. There went important data about the Irkens.

"You Irkens are fairly paranoid. What am I going to do with the knowledge that an Irken needs their PAK to survive?" Scly said. A lot, as it would turn out.

"Develop some PAK seeking missile system, cause some galactic blackout while we're recharging, use the interPAK to spread some memory erasing virus, I don't know!"

"Why would we want to do that?" Scly responded, mentally filing the connection between PAKs and memory.

"It's happened before. You might say the galaxy is… hostile towards the Irken race."

"Would that have anything to do with Zim's invasion of the planet? Dib mentioned something about enslavement." Scly said, anger building up against the Irkens.

Tak said nothing.

"Or the fact that Zim mentioned an _armada_ while he was attacking me?"

Tak slowly asked, "You're not one of those noble, idealistic, start-a-war-because-the-Irkens-are-committing- atrocities kind of species, are you?"

Scly's pupils thinned in anger, "Yes, I believe the Introi would match that description."

Tak groaned, "Then I'm dead meat. You might as well give up on the whole 'defeating us' idea though: The Irkens are the most powerful species in the universe, and we deserve the conquest of other species. There is no way you are going to beat us, so if the Empire seems a little unethical to you, I suggest retreating to your home planet and delaying your defeat."

Scly felt his claw-limbs twitch involuntarily. A hiss began to build up in his throat, but before he could have a chance to respond, a warning flashed up on a computer panel in the wall.

Written out in Introi script, the words: _Interference with subject's mental facilities detected. _appeared.

Scly walked out of the room, and headed towards his labs, stopping briefly to send a soldier robot in to guard Tak.

He reviewed sensor data: The PAK was sending a continuous stream of a few chemicals and information (presumably memory) throughout the interview, as with Zim, but when Scly began to question the Irken Empire's ethics, it began sending signals like _ignore ethics, ignore alien influence_, and _glorify empire_. She was being controlled by an external influence, through the PAK.

In his labs, Scly reviewed the data: He scrutinized everything from body language to vital organs. He had his computer run a scan of the PAK's memory centers, and was presented with far more data then he ever could have gotten by interviewing. Compiling this with a similar scan done on Zim, Scly completed his report of the Irken species. He quickly completed his report on the humans, and was about to bring the information before the High council, but remembered that he still had one more interview.

With a groan, Scly set down the discs and walked back to the elevator.

_At least the worst is over._ He thought to himself, _I mean, what can this canine do?_

* * *

There it is, the long awaited sixth chapter. Well, I don't know how much you people were waiting for it. Review, or suffer!


	7. GIR

Scly checked on the status of his 'guests' as he walked down the hall.

Dib was still resting, he didn't want to look at Gaz, Zim was still attacking his door, and Tak was trying to find a blind spot on her guard's sensor sweep.

Chuckling as the machine delivered a mild shock into Tak's torso after she tried to get a laser blast through it, Scly advanced towards door number five.

He stepped into the antechamber as the computer searched the room for threats. Something odd was happening, but nothing dangerous, so the computer let him through.

The lights had been turned off, and replaced by a multi-faceted metallic sphere situated on a small dancing robot. The robot was wearing an enormous sombrero (with a hole for his antenna), a white leather jacket, a plaid kilt, and high heels. At the same time, he was riding a small furry creature that smelled bad, while singing a song about some bologna he owned to the tune of the Peanuts theme song. To summarize it: Utter randomness.

Scly just stood there, completely undecided about how to respond to this rather disturbing scene, while the robot continued his dance.

Eventually the robot noticed Scly, and stuffed all the stuff into his head rather embarrassedly. He was quiet for a few seconds, then pleaded; "Please don't tell Zim. The last time I danced he got REEAAL mad."

"Y-You're a robot?" Scly said, deciding that he didn't want to know anything about what he was doing.

"Yep! My name's GIR! What's you're name?"

"Uh, Scly. What does GIR mean?"

"SIR stands for standard issue-information-retrieval unit. What does Scly mean?" GIR asked brightly.

"Well, it's a Cumethi name meaning 'one who possesses long wings'. But, what does the G stand for?" Scly responded awkwardly.

"Ohh, it's a secret. I only told Mr. Monkey, and then his head blew up!"

"What?"

"And then we found out he was actually an emu, and he migrated to Peru, and he met his one true love, and she was an ostrich, and then they tunneled through the center of the earth to Australia, and then they became the first members of a species of Emostritches!"

"Okay…"

"You wanna see my chicken dance?"

"No thank you…"

"Aww, come on!"

"Please. No."

"Fine mister albino tortoise."

"What off Introa is that supposed to mean!?"

"It means you're grumpy! Mister grumpy tortoise…"

"I don't understand the non-marine turtle reference."

"You like peanut butter?"

"What is a peanut? And how do you milk it?"

"I don't know… do brown cows make grape juice?"

"I doubt it."

"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww…" GIR lamented.

"Do you have a mouth? And a tongue?" Scly said leaning forward with interest.

"Yeah."

"But you're a robot! And you're made of metal! How can metal bend like that?"

"I don't know."

"Why don't you know anything?"

"'Cuz."

"'Cuz why?"

"SHUT UP AND BRING A BOX OF CHOCOLATE!"

"Give me a straight answer first!"

"GIMME A SHOVEL! I WANNA MAKE MASHED POTATOES!"

"NO!"

GIR leapt up on his chair, and started to spout some obscene language. His auto-censor kicked in, but Scly could pick out the words through lip reading.

"You are the most annoying thing I've ever met!" Scly yelled.

"WILL YOU MARRY ME?"

"No!"

"Why not!?"

"I already have a girlfriend!"

"Really?" GIR asked piteously.

"Well… not really."

GIR fell off of his seat shrieking in obscenely loud laughter.

Scly stood up, and turned to leave the room, seething in anger.

"Wait! Don't go yet!" GIR said.

"What could you possibly interest me with enough to keep me in this room?!"

As an answer, a very dirty Speedo flew in his face.

* * *

Well, I'm just gonna leave it at that.


	8. The chapter with a really long title

Scly walked into the High Council chamber fuming. He was _never _going to volunteer to do someone else's work without extra pay ever again.

Reku smirked at his friend's learning the lesson he himself had learned long ago. "How did it go?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Then what do you want to talk about, mister 'barge in on the Council's meeting so you can tell us about some new species'?" Cut in Phendo Macai, High Council member of mining and agriculture, and Scly's rival.

"How much I need a vacation. And we weren't having a meeting anyways." Scly retorted as he sat in his Council member of bio/electro-engineering's chair.

"You Introi and your homeworld. I've been off Nbii for three years, and I don't miss it." Commented Aaila Qyto, a large yellow fish that looked like a dolphin with stalk eyes, floating in a sphere of water that was, in turn floating in a force field. The Council member of diplomacy and ecosystem maintenance (Also known as 'the tired demon' by her friends) yawned; Even the break from work Scly had given her wasn't enough for dealing with planets whose suns didn't whip around the sky in three hours.

Ara groaned over the hololink. Technically it was her job to do these interviews, but she'd been away since she found another crystalline species in this galaxy. Ti'saar like Ara were beings whose bodies were comprised of floating crystals levitating through a magnetic field. She had two opaque patches on her 'head' that served as eyes, but no mouth. Instead, she spoke by holding a small cloud of microscopic crystals where

her neck should be, and rapidly striking them together in a precise pattern.

Scly turned on the holodisplay, and put his information disc into the slot, beginning his narration.

"The Irkens are a insectoid species averaging about three feet tall, native to the desert world Irk in one of the neighboring galaxies in this cluster. A select few Irkens seem to have a entirely different body structure, adapted to the desert conditions near Irk's equator." A hologram of the Tallests came up. "Their tall bodies were designed to fit as much in vertically as possible, so very little sunlight would affect the body. Irkens are in awe of those who are tall because of their ability to withstand the desert. Irken myth states that early in their prehistory, Irk became united under one of these 'Tall ones', who established the Tallest dynasty, and the Taller nobility. After the Irkens began to produce children in artificial growth chambers, the Tallests began to die out for an unknown reason. The last naturally born Tallest had his DNA put into the 'random parent' genetic pool rarely used at the time. Every Irken parent wanted a child with the Tallest's DNA, so they began frantically using growth chambers, in hope of striking it lucky. A few Irkens also hacked into the system, trying to secure the genes. In doing so, a class of masterful technicians was born, the control Brains, who basically run the Empire, aside from the infrequent demands of the Tallests. This search eventually stripped the Irken's ability to reproduce naturally, and resulted in a population boom. The Irkens expanded into space for resources and more room, and encountered intelligent life. The current Tallest told his subjects that they were inherently superior to the aliens, and should conquer them. Using the Control Brains and his absolute control of the media, he managed to instill the Irken race with a desire for conquest that continues to this day. The modern Irken Empire is currently attempting to take over the universe, with their 'Operation Impending Doom' series of master plans. One of my Irken interviewees was responsible for Operation Impending Doom I's failure. Zim appears to possess all of the common faults of his race magnified. He is egotistical, zealous to the Tallests, megalomaniacal, enraged when he is accurately called short, utterly incompetent, and obsessive in his belief that we are nothing more than slaves to be captured."

The Council members were quiet. If the entire species was like this, than something would have to be done about them. Something involving going to war.

"Tak," Scly continued, "Appeared to be far more capable of being an Invader than Zim. She is driven with a irremovable, though obviously probable, hatred of Zim for his ruining of her life over a sack of gummy worms. Her PAK was riddled with detailed plans for killing Zim, including stuffing him in an enormous blender."

Aaila sighed. It was her job to be a diplomat, and make sure that they didn't get into situations like these. "What options do we have?"

"We have the option of doing what is ethically sound, what our predecessors have done, and what is necessary to save our own skin. All of which mean a war of liberation for the Irken's slaves. I've run up a skill assessment of their technology and theirs. They have far superior numbers in the army, have highly developed alloys, advanced space-distortion storage chambers, and a network of PAKs that makes them unquestionably loyal to their leaders. We can defeat them easily."

"How?" Ara asked.

"We have a slight edge on them in shipbuilding skills, and they have no concept of multi-dimensional physics, but that's not it. Our advantages are our superior computer skills, and a network of PAKs that make them unquestionably loyal to their leaders."

"What!?" Phendo cut in.

"The Tallests use the Control Brains to control Irkens' PAKs, which control the Irkens mind through propaganda and brainwave commands. If we can influence PAKs, then we can control their wearers long enough to find away around the life support that Irkens need from their PAKs. The Irkens will be able to think for themselves, realize they were being used, and revolt. If we capture the Massive, we capture the Tallests and the Control Brains they keep with them, and the Empire will fall apart on it's own. The Irkens get out of brainwashing, the Irken's slaves get freedom, we get to feel good about doing it, and I can have my vacation."

"For someone who just came up with an elaborate plan for freeing billions of enslaved beings, you seem fairly preoccupied with your vacation." Reku commented.

"That's how I work. If you don't like it, then you can fire me." Scly responded.

"I wish I could…" Grumbled Phendo.

------

Skoodge was having a wonderful day.

To destabilize the humans for conquest, he had set up a major worldwide smuggling operation in thirty minutes and several phone calls on the public telephone in the Krazy Taco parking lot. Then, just for the heck of it, he got his human disguise out, broke up the smuggling organization, and was awarded the Medal of Honor. He traded it in for fifty baseball card packs and a go-kart. He found that imitating GIR was actually very fun.

As he was chewing on some deliciously old, stale bubble gum, he noticed that Zim and the others were standing dumbly in the middle of the road, looking lost.

"You guys need a lift?"

Dib nodded and got in, followed by Gaz, Tak, and GIR. Zim continued to stare straight ahead, drool leaking from the corner of his mouth.

"You think he's dead?" Tak asked.

"Dear lord, I hope so." Said Dib and Skoodge simultaneously.

"Ehh… What! How dare you wish that of me! I'm gonna- Where did you get that, Skoodge?" Zim said, suddenly switching from rage to curiosity.

"Battery depot was having a sale on some non-battery stuff that they found in the basement."

"Oh. Well… That abduction was a trick! I was only holding you in stasis until I could become more powerful! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"You know what the said part is?" Tak said, "I think he actually believes himself."

"BOW BEFORE YOUR MASTER! BOW!!!"

A severe look of annoyance came over the faces of everyone in the go-kart. They got out, lined up, and bent over in front of him.

Zim grinned at their submission, until several of the rocks they picked up hit him in the face, knocking him out cold.

Everyone smiled as Zim's unconscious form went through re-activation spasms.

"Given how shoddy his PAK is, I'd say we've got a few hours." Skoodge said brightly.

"Anyone up for a movie?" Dib asked, "I think you Irkens might like _Independence Day. _I've managed to bribe a theatre manager to keep it running."

"Do the aliens loose?" Tak asked.

"Well… Yes. But they do blow up the White House first."

"…Fine."

* * *

Well, there you go, loyal fans. My first multi-chapter story ends… Good times, good times.

If you knew which book I was making a reference to with the 'bowing', I hereby present you with this non-existent certificate of literary knowledge and smartypantsness!

Also, I'm opening a poll on my profile for which of my fics I should start, so please drop by and vote for what looks intresting.


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